Chapter 52: Conscious
After class, William-sama is chatting with his classmates from afar.
I feel a sense of unease start to fill my chest and I look away from William-sama and his classmates.
Recently, I’ve been feeling strange.
Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling like sorrow pressing against my chest, and it seems to be particularly noticeable when I’m with William-sama.
No, that’s not quite right. It might be more accurate to say that the feeling becomes particularly noticeable when William-sama is talking to someone.
I don’t know why I’m being overwhelmed with this feeling, and as the seasons pass, William-sama is approaching the end of his final year at the academy.
In the deep autumn.
I’ve come with William-sama to a field of cosmos flowers in the countryside of the capital.
As usual, this trip was also at the invitation of William-sama.
The sight of the endless fields of pale pink cosmos swaying in the wind is truly magnificent and breathtaking.
As we walk among them, William-sama gently entwines his fingers with mine.
I respond by entwining my fingers with his, and William-sama happily smiles softly.
“Leah.”
As William-sama opened his mouth,
“William!!”
A familiar girl’s voice suddenly stopped William-sama.
William-sama turns around in surprise.
“Miss Charlotte and… Finn? And the guard, Edward-san?”
Charlotte and the crown prince Finlay and guard Edward-san appeared. Charlotte smiles sweetly.
“It’s such a coincidence to meet you here, William!!”
“Y-Yeah, I didn’t expect to see you. Why are you here?”
When William-sama says this, Crown Prince Finlay clears his throat.
“Uh, well… we’re actually on a da…”
“I invited him to come with me for my research! It’s great to observe external plants like this and learn so much… Oh? Finlay, were you about to say something? I’m sorry for interrupting.”
“No… it’s fine…”
Crown Prince Finlay droops his shoulders at Charlotte’s words.
It seems that the crown prince is thinking about Charlotte, but it doesn’t seem that his feelings are reaching her at all.
“It’s fine… there’s still a year left… there’s still a year left…”
Crown Prince Finlay muttered to himself, but suddenly he turned his gaze to us.
“Oh? You’re holding hands…”
At that moment, I finally remembered that I was holding hands with William-sama. I quickly let go of my hand and hid it behind my back.
As I was thinking about how to explain myself while sweating,
“No, wait. It’s okay.”
The crown prince raised his bangs and looked at us alternately, then gave us a refreshing smile.
“Yeah, yeah, I understand everything. I’m fine with it.”
Then the crown prince placed his hand on William-sama’s shoulder and said with an even more refreshing smile,
“Good for you, William.”
William-sama tried to say, “No, we’re not in that kind of relationship yet…” but Crown Prince Finlay said,
“Haha, don’t be shy.”
as if he didn’t care at all.
I watched their carefree conversation and again felt a feeling of pressure in my chest.
(…?)
I didn’t know why and pressed my chest.
I felt as if the cause of my unease had reached my throat and I closed my mouth.
“That’s right! We finally met, so why don’t we take a look around here together? I’m sure it’ll be fun!!”
Crown Prince Finlay suddenly becomes flustered at Charlotte’s words.
But when he saw the crown prince who was silent without saying anything,
(This is the usual pattern for our group to go around.)
I was about to step back behind William-sama, when
“Miss Charlotte, I’m sorry, but I want to be with Leah today. Let’s go somewhere else together next time.”
William-sama’s words stopped me.
“Oh, I see. Alright, I understand. It’s a shame, but let’s go out and play somewhere else next time.”
Charlotte said that and waved her hand, saying,
“See you at the academy, William!!”
as she turned around.
Crown Prince Finlay was surprised by the sudden turn of events, but he chased after Charlotte’s back as it disappeared.
“Let’s take a look at the cosmos too. The cosmos over there looks especially beautiful.”
William-sama tries to walk on as if nothing happened.
“Is that okay? You finally got to meet your friends.”
I asked without thinking, and he stopped his feet.
“I do like spending time with my friends, but…”
He turns to me and smiles.
“I want to treasure the time I have with you now.”
He says that and happily smiles.
Looking at his smile, I realized.
(Ah…I love William-sama.)
And then I remembered.
That there is a limit to how long I can stay by his side.
The fog in my chest that I had felt since the festival when William-sama was confessed to by a lady.
(At that time, my love for William-sama had already grown inside me. I was jealous of the girl who openly declared her love for him.)
And the feeling of pressure in my chest that had amplified every time William-sama talked to someone else, resembling sadness.
(I envied those who could be honest with themselves and approach William-sama.)
I am pretending to be a man.
I don’t regret making that choice to protect William-sama. But…
I was deeply pierced by the doubt that William-sama loved me because I was a “him” rather than a “her”.
Whether I am a man or a woman.
Love can be an important factor when it comes to relationships.
If I had not pretended to be a different gender, I might have happily accepted the current situation.
If I had revealed my true gender and he had not loved me for it, I would have resigned myself to that.
To accept William’s love.
I am not even on the same playing field as someone who pretends to be a different gender.
(If I were to reveal that I am a woman and William were to accept me…)
I can only dream of such a thing. However,
(What if, the moment I confessed that I am a woman, the love in William’s eyes disappears?)
William is kind.
He would probably continue to treat me kindly and with an unchanged attitude, saying “Well said.”
But there is no love in his eyes. The longing love he had shown me until now disappears, and he only treats me out of a sense of duty.
Just thinking about that makes a sharp pain run through my chest.
In that case, is it possible for me to continue staying by William’s side as a “him”?
(That’s impossible… wasn’t it clear from the beginning? The time I can stay by William’s side as a male is limited.)
My body is constantly changing to become more feminine.
I was certain that I couldn’t continue deceiving those around me for much longer.
As I became aware of my love for William, various doubts and realities started to invade my mind.
“Leah, the cosmos around here are especially beautiful, as I thought,” he said, walking ahead of me.
His smile, more beautiful than the flowers, tightens my chest.
I tightly grasp his hand and take a deep breath, then approach William step by step.
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