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𝐄𝐝𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐨’𝐬 𝐑𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝟑
“This may take a while, but could you listen to my story? Of course, Prince Linus, you may rest in your room. It’s just the foolish ramblings of a man.”
“If it’s fine with Ian, please tell me.”
“. . .Understood.”
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. . .That father of mine appears downcast. Bigger than me, stronger, the head of our family, he is.
The figure I could never match, now seems smaller.
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. . .Before I knew it, I realized I had surpassed my father’s stature.
It’s been about a year since I left home to join the Fourth Knight Order. In that time, has father changed?
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“. . .I was regretting. That I was imposing my unfulfilled dreams onto Edgardo. Deep down. . .I think I felt it was wrong. Maybe I was afraid to admit it.”
“How can you. . . If you thought it was wrong, why did you do such things to me!”
“Indeed, I did.”
“Don’t joke with me! If you knew it was wrong, why. . . why now, after all this time!”
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A cry from the soul spilled out. Although the voice is on the verge of tears, the eyes are dry, glaring at the father.
I wish he had stopped making me imitate grandfather earlier.
Then I wouldn’t have to suffer so much!
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On impulse, I thrust my fist into my father’s chest.
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“Oof. . .!”
“Ah. . . I’m sorry. . .!”
“No, it’s fine. I deserve this.”
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My pain is nothing compared to this, yet I feel a surge of guilt as I see my father grimacing in pain.
Grandfather stood up and moved to pat father’s back. A clumsy, unsure hand as if not knowing how to comfort.
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“. . .I’m sorry, Edgardo. All of this is my fault.”
“Stop it! If you do that, I’ll have to say the same! That it’s all my fault! Please stop!”
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. . .I heard my father’s voice, like a scream, for the first time.
Grandfather opened his mouth then closed it, ultimately biting his lip, unable to say anything.
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“I don’t mean to interrupt, but could you let me hear Ian’s thoughts. . . his life? I can’t understand anything like this.”
“Prince Linus. . . Yes, I understand.”
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Father straightened up swiftly, grimacing from a pain in his chest for a moment before starting to speak.
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“. . . . . .Since I was young, I was always told to be like Grion.”
“What! Neither my wife nor I have ever said such a thing! On the contrary, we kept saying you didn’t have to be!”
“It was the tutors and the servants who said it.”
“What. . .?!”
“When I became the head of the family, I drove them out of the house. The tutor received a fitting punishment as well.”
“I see. . . And who was it? It’s okay, I won’t kill them.”
“We can talk about that later. . . . . .I was always told that if I couldn’t become like Grion, I was worthless. Even though my parents showered me with love and denied it, right after that, the servants would say, ‘That’s impossible.’ That father said he didn’t love Ian but had to say such things, that it was troublesome. . .”
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. . .So father had such a past.
A confession I never imagined, causing my heart to throb unpleasantly.
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“They said they’d discard me if I wasn’t like Grion Valka. Of course, they let on that they couldn’t show it, that father said so. The servant secretly told me.”
“I’ve never said such a thing!!”
“Yes, I believe that now. But when I was small. . . that was my reality.”
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The children of nobility often spend more time with servants and tutors than with their parents. If all that time were devoted to brainwashing. . .
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“Others among the nobility have said similar things to me. So I came to think that everyone is seeking Grion Valka from me. In truth, I’ve thought. . . many times. . . many times about asking my parents. If they love me. If I’m a disappointment, will they discard me? But. . . but the thought of being affirmed. . .”
“Ian!”
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My grandfather became unbearable and embraced my father strongly. Despite a disagreeable cracking sound, my father did not resist.
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“Always, from the time of my birth. . . no, from the time you were in my dear wife’s womb! Ian has been our greatest treasure! We love you!”
“To hear these. . . words. . .”
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My father’s voice blurs.
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“It’s taken. . . such a long time. . .. And yet, mother is no longer here. . .”
“What are you saying! My wife is still watching over Ian! Now is the time to convey the words she spoke on her deathbed.”
“Mother’s words. . .?”
“My fist remains firm even in death. That’s all.”
“Huh? What?”
“You must remember, that iron fist.”
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Wait, was my grandmother a fighter?
I’ve only heard of her as a kind and lively grandmother from guests and my father. But it seems both my grandfather and father have been hit by her.
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“I remember that fist but. . . eh? That was her last word?”
“If Ian does something wrong, she would hit him, even after death. That’s what she meant.”
“Surely, I’d be struck but. . . Didn’t she say something like she was happy, or worried about her son?”
“The fact that my wife was happy is indisputable. There’s no need to put it into words. She wasn’t worried about Ian either. She believed Ian would be alright. She just hoped that we would not mourn her death.”
“That’s. . . impossible. . .”
“Ian hasn’t been hit by my wife, has he? Then, he must be being caressed on the head, on the back. By the spring breeze, the summer sunlight, the autumn rain, the winter scent. Every day, constantly, without end. Ian is enveloped in love, from before birth, always.”
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My father didn’t lift his face for a while.
When he finally emerged from my grandfather’s arms, his nose and eyes were red, but no one said anything.
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“I apologize for showing such a state. Let’s continue the story.”
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My father with a slightly nasal voice wiped away the last tear. It seems he will speak while still embraced, as grandfather does not let go.
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“When I began to question my own way of being, I met my wife. She loved me, and I thought, with this person, I can live as Ian Valka. But gradually, my wife tried to change me into Grion Valka. Blinded by the words of my loved one, I began to imitate my father again.”
“Why. . . would she do that. . .”
“She said she liked Grion Valka.”
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The atmosphere froze.
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“She said it was out of respect, not love, but she was trying to turn me into my father, so I do not know her true feelings. After mother passed away, I was cornered. Even though the tutor was gone, the servants my wife hired kept blaming me every day, saying it was my fault she died, that it was because I couldn’t become Grion Valka.”
“Who are. . . they?”
“We’ll get to that later. My wife said the same, and I was convinced that it was my fault. I believed I had to make Edgardo into Grion Valka. Otherwise. . . misfortune would come. Edgardo would become. . . unhappy. . .”
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I cannot forgive my father. The smoldering anger, the defiance, and the fear still linger in my heart, unextinguished.
Yet, after hearing such things, I couldn’t bring myself to blame him.
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“My wife left me, disappointed, because I couldn’t become the father I was supposed to be. Everything would have been resolved if I had become Grion Valka. But that was beyond me.
So Edgardo. . . if he could just. . . otherwise, unhappiness would ensue. There’s a chance Edgardo won’t be loved when he gets married. If Edgardo becomes Grion, his life will be filled with light. . . that’s what I. . .
. . .I was foolish. . .”
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After hesitating, struggling, and conflicting, I finally touched the hand of my father, who was still embraced by my grandfather. That hand, once so frightening, now trembled faintly.
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“Why. . . did you only realize this after I left?”
“I thought I had to keep Edgardo away from me. So, the invitation from the Fourth Knight Order was timely. Since Edgardo disappeared, all I can remember is his crying face from when he was little. How many times he smiled at me. . .”
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As a child, I was afraid every time I met my father. As I grew up, I tried to keep a blank expression.
I might never have smiled at him.
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“All the servants hired by my wife were punished and expelled from the house, leaving only the trustworthy ones who encouraged and supported me. Then, they all said they would quit.”
“All of them? Why. . .”
“They all liked Edgardo. I was confronted with a rebellion. Whipped and forced to admit my wrongs, that I loved Edgardo and wanted to apologize.”
“Whips. . . huh? You were whipped?”
“Yes, whipped. My wife often did that too.”
“I see. . .”
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I didn’t want to know.
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“Since I’ve caused Edgardo pain for so long, I can’t apologize just for my own relief. I wanted Edgardo to come back, to start by talking. It’s natural not to be satisfied. It’s his right to be angry. He can use the whip on me when that time comes.”
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It seemed my father had nothing more to say, and the room fell silent once again.
But it was no longer oppressive. Strangely, there was even a sense of exhilaration.
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“I. . . still can’t bring myself to forgive you, Father. I don’t know if that day will ever come. I’ve suffered a lot, and there are few good memories in this house. So. . .”
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After a moment of thought, I looked at my father with a smile. As the first step towards reconciliation.
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“When I recall the past anger and suffering, I will whip you, Father! With all my might! Again and again!”
“. . .Ah! Do it! I’m truly. . . truly sorry! My way of showing love was wrong. . . I’m so sorry. . . I just loved Edgardo. . . that should have been enough.”
“Father. . .”
“Uoooooo, Ian! Edgardo!”
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I was embraced tightly by my grandfather, my spine cracking. It hurts, but I’m happy.
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“It’s good for everyone. . .”
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Across the table, Prince Linus is tearing up.
The night, with everyone’s noses turned red, quietly advanced, accompanied by the relief of being loved by my father.