Chapter 61: First experience
Resting my cheek on my hand on the desk, I gazed absentmindedly outside the window. My mind was filled with thoughts of Julian-sama, and I had even forgotten that class was still in session.
My shoulder was lightly tapped, and it was then that I finally realized the teacher was calling on me.
“I asked you a question, did you hear it?”
“I-I’m sorry. I was a bit distracted.”
“If you’re feeling unwell, you can leave early, you know.”
In response to the gentle voice of the middle-aged teacher, I quietly shook my head. After apologizing again, he nodded and resumed the lesson.
At noon, I came to the courtyard with Sanna and the others as usual. I sat on the bench and took out the bread I had bought earlier from the paper bag.
However, without even taking a bite, I once again gazed absentmindedly at something in the distance.
“Oh, um, Aliseteen-sama.”
Sanna looked at me with concern in her eyes when she heard my slightly forceful voice.
“Are you not feeling well?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Then… do you have any worries?”
Her eyes used to always have a look of fear and subservience, but her current expression seemed genuinely worried about me.
And I was different from my past self who only saw her as a pawn.
It’s scary to reveal your true feelings to someone, but I clenched my fist and met Sanna’s gaze.
“I… am very scared right now.”
She blinked repeatedly in shock.
“What is it that you’re scared of?”
“The future. I’m so scared of what will happen to me from now on.”
It’s true that the current me may be different from the me that was condemned on that fateful day. However, I’m not confident. If I were to acknowledge these feelings, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to suppress the desire to have Julian-sama.
If that were to happen, I wouldn’t even be able to imagine what I might do.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Not myself, not anyone else.”
“I’m sorry. I suddenly started saying things that don’t make sense.”
Although i tried to cover it up by raising the corners of my mouth, she remained serious.
With a compassionate expression and furrowed eyebrows, she said,
“I may not be able to understand all of Aliseteen-sama’s troubles… but isn’t it a feeling that everyone has to some extent, being scared of the future? Of course, including myself.”
“Yeah, that’s right…”
“I apologize, Aliseteen-sama. You confided in me so earnestly, but I…”
As tears began to well up in Sanna’s eyes, I gently stroked her head with narrowed eyes.
“It’s enough. Thank you for listening, Sanna.”
“Come on, if you keep crying, you’ll drop the sandwich again.”
Really, it’s enough.
Rather than being surrounded by expensive jewels, or wearing trendy dresses every day, my heart was much more fulfilled.