Chapter 172: I Believe I Can Explain That (1)
Imperial Year 377, December 10th.
Narvilt was completely conquered in August.
After the capture of Narvis Fortress, the nobles and the army of Narvilt surrendered one after another. Naksil, which had been trying to hold out until the end, opened its gates on the fifth day of the siege due to internal discord.
After losing Baius Extoria and Silvan Harcian, it honestly wasn’t fun after that.
My thought of becoming a little more of a hero was too much greed.
After that, they surrendered on their own without me having to come up with a strategy, so in the latter half of the war, I just sat back and did nothing.
There wasn’t anything particularly enjoyable either.
Lucy, whose pride was greatly hurt by Referndi, decided to fulfill the promise he had made beforehand and immediately returned to his master.
Al, guessing that Lucy would become stronger, was about to start training, but left with the mages of Iperfect.
The mages of Iperfect, knowing that Al could practically use all weapons freely at a high level, made him a groundbreaking offer: if he would take charge of testing their weapons, they would enhance his entire body with magical items.
Levidian said that the nickname ‘Bare-handed Al’ wasn’t given to him because he was a master of bare-handed combat, but because he exhibited a high level of skill no matter what he held in his bare hands.
Al knew well that, unlike the mind, the body wouldn’t get stronger beyond a certain level of growth, so he followed the mages. I didn’t stop him.
Those two didn’t ask me anything.
About the meaningful words Referndi said, the fact that I knew her, or about the conversation I had with Baius Extoria.
And that was the method all of my friends chose.
For nearly seven months after being tricked by Artshever again, I didn’t properly talk to anyone.
Levidian vaguely felt that I was hiding something, but she couldn’t bring herself to question me, probably because she had a past she was hiding from me as much as I was.
Joey firmly stated that he wouldn’t ask until I spoke, and Namias seemed to agree with his thoughts.
Lastly, Aila…… she was laughing, talking, and making noise as usual, but it seemed unnatural.
Sudden failure. Unresolved questions.
These two things that came between me and my friends were like pouring water on a dry tree stuck in a crevice, excessively widening the gap between us.
It was the same after returning to the royal capital, Baekslan.
I started a large-scale preliminary work to reorganize Grenoian, and I didn’t borrow Aila’s power.
I buried myself in work.
At that time, Lea, who had been training at the Hall of Martial Arts, returned. I had become quite strong, but my disciple, who had reached a level where I might not be able to win anymore, was a disciple who pleased his teacher.
I don’t know what Aila is doing, but she asked me to entrust her with full authority over AJOR. Since it wasn’t bad for me, I entrusted her with the operation of AJOR.
In Joey’s case, he had enough potential for growth, so he entered training, and Namias teleported to Azot after receiving a summons from the Grand Temple of Lynin.
As time passed like this until today, I lived a life where I would see them once or twice a week at most.
“Phew, I’m tired.”
I closed the last document and took off my glasses. I had recently made protective glasses because my eyes seemed to be getting strained. I rubbed the bridge of my nose where the glasses had been resting and shook my head.
It was time to prepare for winter.
We captured Narvilt, but unexpectedly, the Southern Army didn’t advance north. No, they couldn’t advance north.
Thanks to the emergence of a strange group that suddenly appeared in the Leotasia Mountain Range, the 100,000 Southern Army that was trying to come up to Orknesia was tied up.
There was also public opinion in the Herduke Kingdom wondering who these people were. They used a different language than the continent’s language, and their way of life was completely different.
The 5,000 Guards would have started preparing for winter by now. Only the top five members of the Herduke Kingdom’s leadership know that I am sponsoring them.
Should I call it mountainous terrain, or rough terrain? Anyway, it seemed that it wasn’t too difficult for the warriors who fought monsters in rough terrain to deal with the Southern Army, which was substandard by Orknesia standards.
In a secret letter from Duke Ecoshian a while ago, it was written, ‘We will be able to endure the winter without crossing the mountain range.’
The Imperial government would probably be furious and ranting about the unidentified group blocking the Southern Army’s northward advance, but since they are practically all in cahoots, there’s nothing they can do about it.
As of this fall, the size of the Herduke Kingdom became the same as the remaining territory of the Empire.
Arisein Uck Herduke failed as an individual, but the Kingdom bearing the name of Herduke succeeded, so should we call it a draw?
Hahaha, damn it.
Knock, knock.
“Your Excellency, the Duke, I have brought you tea.”
“Come in.”
While the maid brought the tea and placed it on the table, I put a few pieces of firewood in the fireplace and poked them around with a poker. The maid bowed politely and then left, and I was left alone in the middle of the room filled with books and documents.
It’s lonely.
“It’s something I brought upon myself…… there’s nothing I can do.”
For the past six months, I’ve been thinking a lot.
Before fighting Artshever, I should first tell people about myself.
Perhaps all of this is related to Artshever, and I, whom he keeps picking on, must also have some kind of connection. And Aila would probably be heavily involved in that as well.
If this continues, even if we spend the winter and start fighting again in the spring, it will be difficult to fight as united as before. As a result, the possibility of being defeated in turn increases because the mutual cooperation system will not be established, as when we pushed Baius and Silvan in May.
“No, that’s not it!”
I was angry at myself for having such pathetic thoughts.
Are you worried about the cooperation system breaking down?
That’s not it!
Arisein!
The reason for your frustration is not that!
At first, it’s certain that I befriended them by calculating profits and losses. But if that was all, I wouldn’t feel this suffocating feeling in my heart.
Yes. Levidian, at first, was a good swordsmanship teacher, and I brought her in as the first step towards moving reality.
But now?
The feelings that existed between me and her, and that I still feel exist, or that I alone cherish, are never about calculating profits and losses.
Joey? Jounin Yuse. Before I died, he was a vicious general that even the same Imperial Army feared. That was because of the narrow and distorted world that decorated his childhood.
I wanted to show him the wider world. I wanted to protect him so that he could maintain his innocent personality. If he grew up seeing the world with that personality!
Lucy? Kersilla Creon, that cheerful mage was literally a fateful encounter. I met him by chance on the streets of the capital, someone I couldn’t have hired even if I tried.
And Lucy and Old Man. My proud subordinates.
My friends, colleagues, and subordinates.
Are you still meeting them while calculating profits and losses? Will you kick them out if there’s no profit?
Was it such a shallow relationship!
“I don’t want to drift apart……!”
Sitting on the sofa, I endured the urge to collapse on my own.
I don’t want to drift apart from them.
I wanted to create something I couldn’t create before I died, as a casual relationship. And I spent time when it could have been like that.
But…… I didn’t fully reveal ‘myself’.
The reason Lucy and Al didn’t say anything is probably because they felt it. But because they believed in me, their friend, and believed that I would tell them someday, they were just waiting.
Yes! Like how I feel about Aila!
“I can’t tell them……”
But I can’t tell them. Because my approach to them was very intentional.
I approached them knowing they would become great people! Like a businessman making an investment!
Now I treat them sincerely, but the beginning was tainted.
Self-interest, personal gain, pity……
I could only feel at ease when they were within my sight, within my voice, within my reach. Only then did I treat them sincerely.
Ha, ha, ha!
Even I would be angry if someone treated me like that!
The fact that I reset is my biggest secret and also my dirtiest part.
I don’t want to show it.
My filth.
I don’t want to reveal my last, ugly, distorted side.
They will despise me.
They will be disappointed.
They will be angry.
I’m scared and afraid of that…… I can’t bear it.
The scornful glances, the sighs of disappointment, and the pure rage from the people I truly love.
I can’t bear it.
I’ll feel like I want to die again.
“But…… I can’t stay like this forever……!”
What makes me most distressed is the fact that the longer this situation continues, the harder it will be for everyone.
It’s time for me to speak. Everyone will vaguely know that. That’s why they’re waiting.
I have to tell them. I have to talk.
But…… just thinking about having to see their smiles stiffen in front of me……
Oh, God!
I am afraid!
More than any battle.
More than any hardship.
More than any nemesis.
I am afraid of the reality of having to see their smiles frozen by the cold truth.
“I am…… afraid……!”
Even if I confess honestly now…… there’s no one to listen.
Loneliness, sharper and colder than any sword, was cutting through my entire body.
The tea in the cup was getting cold.
Imperial Year 377, December 12th.
After drafting the five-year plan for the opening of Grenoian, which would be announced after the war, there was nothing left to do, but if I left my hands idle, thoughts would surge in like a tidal wave, so I took on part of the reorganization work of integrating the Imperial Western Army into the Herduke Kingdom Army.
Thanks to that, I was able to spend busy days again.
I couldn’t think of anything, and I banished myself into work, distancing myself from reality.
I set up a makeshift bed in a corner of my office and lived without going near the rooms where my friends were staying.
My appearance of being engrossed in work to the point where others would find it strange was actually pathetic and foolish even in my own eyes. I hated myself for realizing that I was escaping reality but not being able to fix it.
I signed and stamped the document and put it aside. And I picked up the next document. I don’t know how many times I repeated this.
“Your Excellency, the Duke, His Highness has arrived.”
“Yes? Oh, tell him to come in.”
“Yes. Ah, well, Your Highness.”
There was a small commotion outside, and my father came in, opening the door. Before closing the door, he looked back and said,
“No one come in. Step back.”
“But, Your Highness.”
“Is there anyone who can listen while a father is trying to talk to his son? Bring some tea.”
The attendants who were standing outside the door bowed their heads with reverent expressions. My father closed the door, and I could hear the sound of people moving away outside.
I stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do.
My father came to visit me in person……
My father glanced at me and said with a bitter expression,
“You look terrible.”
“Father…… Your Highness, what brings you……”
“Throw away the formalities across the Sair River for a moment. I just came to visit because you seemed to be working hard. But, are you planning to keep me standing?”
“No, sir. Please sit there.”
My father sat down with a deep smile that only a middle-aged man could make. I wondered what I should do and sat opposite him.
Since I didn’t have anything particular to say, I remained silent, and my father also kept his mouth shut. His ingrained strictness seems to still make people feel intimidated.
After a while, the maid put down the tea and withdrew. I thought for a moment and poured tea into my father’s cup. By the time I filled my own cup and put down the teapot, my father said, lifting his teacup,
“Are you very busy?”
“Yes. The integration work is unexpectedly difficult.”
“It’s a large-scale conquest, so the casualties were minimized, but it would be difficult to bring together those who were once enemies. Still, the military leaders are happy that the death toll has been greatly reduced thanks to you.”
“That’s because it was convenient. Above all…… they were originally all citizens of the same Empire. And they are also our citizens of tomorrow.”
I spoke frankly because it was something I had told them to do for their convenience. My father took a sip of tea and laughed, saying, “훗.”
“Even so, I should thank you for benefiting from it. I should have said it sooner, but I’m still a bit clumsy. I get scolded sometimes.”
“You mean Mother.”
“Yes. But as you know, it’s hard to break a habit that has become ingrained. When you get older, your behavior becomes fixed like this. Hoo, anyway, my wife and Sera said it’s about time.”
“Yes? What time is it?”
My father gave a meaningful smile. To add, it was a pretty surprising expression because it was the first time I had seen it in both of my lives.
“You’ll be twenty-two next year, won’t you? It’s time to get married.”
“Pfft! Yes?”
I rudely spat out my tea, but I couldn’t even care about that. Ah, no, what are you talking about all of a sudden!
My father continued speaking solemnly, regardless of my reaction.
“To be precise, it’s not your problem, but your daughter-in-law’s. She’ll be thirty-two next year, won’t she? My wife and Sera said that if we keep making her age, you’ll be disqualified as a man. I agree. Even though she looks excessively young for her age, it will be troublesome if we drag it out any longer. Don’t most people already know?”
“No, well, that……”
I made a troubled expression. It seemed that my father was saying this because he didn’t know what had happened between me, Levidian, and the others.
Right now, proposals and such, even meeting itself is awkward. But marriage!
He wouldn’t know, but my father spoke as if he were talking about another world.
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