Reset Life – Chapter 132

Chapter 132: I Couldn’t Love You. I’m Sorry (5)

I, too, had established a justification for the duel with Pilledvan Salain in the past.

Because justification provides legitimacy.

Since I have no shame in doing this, let those without sin cast stones at me.

A justification that everyone can understand is an excellent shield and weapon that prevents anyone from throwing stones.

“So let’s not waste time with unproductive and boring discussions. Seeing that it’s only family gathered here, isn’t this a family meeting? No one will say anything even if we speak freely.”

I concluded with a relaxed tone. Those gathered seemed to be lost in thought, each chuckling or nodding.

Even my older brother, who would have normally trampled on me, was just pouting and holding back, perhaps because he knew that I had helped Father.

Father spoke.

“I believe everyone understands what Risel is saying. That’s right. I called you here for a family meeting. I gathered you because I wanted to hear various opinions. Since the atmosphere seems to have become a bit heavy, let’s adjourn here today. Let’s talk again tomorrow. And Risel.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Follow me for a moment.”

“Ah, yes.”

Feeling puzzled, I followed Father.

Father dismissed the servants who were about to escort him and went out to the garden opposite the conference room.

A winter scene where the slanting sunlight beckoned to the bare branches. Father walked, bathed in the sunlight as dry as the branches, and then spoke.

“Sera has been complaining recently. That you don’t visit her at all.”

“Ahaha, I’ve been busy looking after my friends.”

“That can’t be it. I had a hunch as to why you weren’t coming. Of course, you would come if called, but unless there was something special, you wouldn’t show yourself in front of people voluntarily. The Demon told me.”

“I expected as much. In fact, Uncle confirmed my intentions and told me not to disrupt the center of gravity. I did step forward a little just now, but it was to help you, Father. It will be my brother’s role from now on.”

My position is ambiguous.

Uncle said I could be the center of gravity.

However, I was the second son who had been treated as if I was neglected until now. But this time, after rescuing my family from the Imperial Capital, my influence and voice suddenly expanded significantly.

Whether from my mother’s or father’s side, I am their benefactor. I have already gone beyond the limits of what I should do as a family member.

I shrugged and said.

“The situation that you and Uncle are worried about will not happen. As you said before, Father, I prefer life outside the house. The situation is a bit delicate now, but if I remain silent, my brother will naturally regain his voice.”

“Why?”

“Yes?”

“You could also argue this. Is the one who waited passively for punishment after being accused of treason, putting numerous vassals at risk, truly fit for the position of Duke? Is the successor who followed such a will qualified to be the next Duke? To navigate the turbulent times ahead, we need a leader with flexibility and boldness. If you returned to Baekslan and made that argument, Theron and my position would be as good as gone. But you didn’t. That has nothing to do with your wife, Sera, or daughter-in-law. It’s also something that could overturn the cold treatment you’ve received so far in one fell swoop.”

I scratched my cheek. Actually, it’s not as if I haven’t thought about it. The reason Uncle told me was because I could make such a claim.

“Uncle must have told you the reason.”

“Being Emperor is bothersome?”

“Yes. It may sound like a joke, but it’s actually true. And I have another purpose. I can’t tell you, but it will be difficult to do if I become the leader.”

Father tilted his head, and I didn’t answer.

Artshever will probably maintain his position of working behind the scenes. To counter that position, I must also be in the same position.

Perhaps, a war will break out.

Behind the scenes of that war, Artshever and I will have to engage in a fierce battle. I don’t know what his purpose is, but since I have defined him as an enemy, the conclusion is one.

Only one will survive.

Father asked in an emotionally uncertain tone.

“Are you helping me because of that purpose?”

“That’s one of the reasons, but I’m doing it because it seems better. You are the Duke, my brother is the heir, and I am the helper. That’s normal and comfortable.”

“Don’t you feel wronged for being neglected so far?”

“Honestly, I do feel wronged, but I have no intention of overturning it. Because thanks to being neglected, I was able to build my own strength. I thought of it as a grace that allowed me to refine myself.”

Of course, revenge for the injustice is steadily progressing. The fact that Father is even having this conversation with me is surprising and pleasant.

Because he’s looking at me again.

He told me everything and pushed me into the battlefield, throwing me to my death, but that can’t happen now.

No matter how reluctant and undesirable a child he may be, he can never abandon me.

Above all, now that I don’t have to bear the burden of Father’s brilliance, that revenge is close to being achieved.

Since I’ve come to think of the neglect from Father and my brother as a form of amusement, when I think about it, I’ve grown a lot too. Haha!

Silence flowed between Father and me for a while.

I had already conveyed my intentions sufficiently.

I have no intention of being a stumbling block in Father’s path. Whatever Father thinks of me is irrelevant to my thoughts. I will do what I want to do, and I can also help with what Father is doing.

Even if he can’t acknowledge me and casts me aside, it doesn’t matter.

Because I will go my own way.

Father looked at me with a strange expression and then spoke.

“When did you realize you weren’t my wife’s son?”

“I can’t say for sure. I was only suspicious, and at some point, it became a certainty, and I confirmed it. The boundary is a bit ambiguous to see it as the point when I ‘knew’.”

“Huh, that’s right. Even an ordinary person would know by looking at how I treat you. Are your friends good people?”

“Ah, yes. They are irreplaceable.”

It’s a bit disconcerting to suddenly change the subject and ask, but I answered reasonably well. Father nodded.

“I see. Because they are irreplaceable, they cooperated with your absurd request with the thought of saving their friend’s family. You have good friends, unlike me.”

“That’s not true. I also know how many of your acquaintances worked to save me.”

This was an almost unconscious answer. I didn’t have the mental capacity to think otherwise.

For a moment, Father looked small.

Did Lucy catch my eye? Is the world playing a trick on me right now?

Father’s low tone was not his usual strict speaking manner.

No, more than anything, would he be the kind of person to admit that there’s something worse than his son?

Especially to me!

Fatigue was evident in his eyes. Before I could even realize what that fatigue was, Father spoke.

“I thought the day would come when you would realize you weren’t my wife’s child. Not every day, but about once a week, I pictured that situation. I mostly imagined you coming to confirm with a dubious expression. I thought you might come to talk after hearing rumors. But I didn’t think you would talk about it so calmly. So a month ago, your words were even more disconcerting.”

Father looked at me with deep eyes.

His expression was as usual, but I could see that he had made up his mind.

What had he decided?

“I am a father who has not done much for you. I haven’t done anything properly as a father. I didn’t intend to either. Most people can’t be righteous in the face of sin.”

“Sin?”

“Yes, sin. You are my only ‘sin’ that I care about. Because you weren’t the child I intended to have.”

I looked at him with an emotionless expression.

It was a confession from Father that I couldn’t have heard before I died, and it was an outpouring of his heart that I couldn’t respond to.

“As you already know, you are not my wife’s child. A woman named Amane Mistro is your mother. I met her during an inspection of the Orknesia territory.”

Father spoke about me calmly. I already knew this.

Because he told me.

However, the order of time and events was reversed, and the circumstances and background of the events were misaligned.

Nevertheless, the only thing that remained consistent was the fact that Father was telling me the truth.

I can’t explain this sense of dissonance that is washing over me.

I don’t even want to feel it accurately to explain it.

Despite that, I couldn’t help but listen to Father’s words and focus all my nerves.

“Around the time you were born, I was expecting my second child. However, that child was weak. It died soon after birth, and your mother went mad with grief. She was insane. Until I, returning from my territorial inspection, brought her another child. She mistook that child for her own. As if she had given birth to it herself.”

Up to this point, it was the same, but I had a feeling it would be different from here on. I felt like a story I couldn’t see or hear would come out this time.

“I’ve never told anyone what I’m about to say. Your brother Theron doesn’t know either.”

Father’s tone, expression, the air.

Everything whispered to me.

My premonition was right.

Father spoke of his guilt.

“Every morning, when I opened my eyes and saw my wife lying next to me, I felt guilty. And I hated myself for feeling that way. Every time I saw you, the cause of it all, I hated myself even more. And I hated you too.”

Fatigue was evident on Father’s face.

So that was it.

I was an indelible sin to him. I was a constant presence on his conscience, and because he couldn’t face me, he always had to avoid and distance himself from me.

I knew.

He hated himself as much as he hated me.

Because it was proof that he was avoiding his sin.

“I hated you. So even though you were my child, you were my sin, and even if it meant you would be unhappy, I couldn’t give you the full treatment you deserved. You would have been treated as an illegitimate child, but it wouldn’t have been like that if you had stayed with your biological mother.”

Father let out a long sigh.

In that brief moment, he avoided my gaze.

He is a strict man.

That strictness is made up of a purity that is prepared to accept his own sins strictly. However, seeing his grief-stricken wife smile, the innocence of that strictness disappeared.

He deceived his wife, whom he had sworn to spend his life with, and continued to deceive her.

That was Father’s sin.

It was a sin in the form of me.

“And yet, knowing everything, you saved this sin-ridden body.”

“I didn’t know everything. I didn’t consider the feelings you felt, Father. I just…… I did it to stop myself from being sad.”

“Yes. Even if you did, you saved me. You saved a father like this.”

Deep fatigue, fatigue that had permeated his entire body for a long time, was flowing out of him.

But somehow, his eyes showed a refreshing feeling, as if he had just woken up from a long, good dream.

“I should have faced you like this and talked to you sooner.”

The one who faced his sin confessed.

“I couldn’t love you. I’m sorry.”

“Father……”

“The time has come to start everything anew. The times, the circumstances, demand it of me. Yet, I didn’t have the courage to move forward. How could I walk forward when I haven’t even settled the past? It’s a jester’s lie.”

Father gave a bitter smile. It was a self-deprecating laugh.

“It’s ridiculous for me to say this to you now that you no longer need my help or my strength. But this is all I can say. I apologize for everything.”

I must have a hole in my chest. Because the cold air is passing through, as if it’s going to cut my heart.

Father looked at me and said.

“Forgive me, my son.”

“Father……”

I couldn’t say anything.

To someone who is asking for forgiveness in the face of his sin…… What could I possibly say?

Now I understood everything.

Why he sent me to the battlefield, why he volunteered to avenge me after I died.

He had been avoiding me all along.

And now…… he looked straight at me.

It seems there are times when people can’t speak.

So instead of words, I smiled.

Thinking it would be a sufficient answer.

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