Reset Life – Chapter 110

Chapter 110: I Will Not Let Go of This Hand (4)

“…… I can’t sleep.”

I readily agreed with Levidian’s suggestion, but I can’t sleep. Is it because I’m thinking too much? I’m worried that I might have developed a chronic illness where insomnia sets in whenever I have a lot on my mind.

Lying in bed, I stared at the ceiling, feeling the stillness of the air in the quiet room.

Because of Joey, we had to arrange for a larger room than planned.

To be precise, we rented an entire annex.

It was a single-story building with a living room and six rooms.

The accommodation fee was quite expensive, but I have plenty of sources of income, Namia and Joey have the Shrine’s financial support, and Al has the money he saved from his mercenary days.

Levidian spent a lot of money on operating expenses for the Black New Moon, and Lucy originally had no money.

Except for those two, we are all relatively wealthy. Renting an annex of a luxury inn is not a burden.

Since there was one room per person, I was buried in a relatively large bed, smaller than the one at home, rolling around and waiting for the sleep fairy, but it seems she has many prior engagements today. Maybe it will take some time for her to get to me?

I didn’t even bother to look at the clock, so I don’t know how much time has passed. It was when all the lights in the main building of the inn, visible from the window, were turned off.

Knock, knock.

“Who is it?”

“May I come in?”

“Levidian?”

I sat up in bed. The door opened quietly, and a human-shaped shadow appeared slightly.

What’s going on? At this late hour.

She closed the door and walked slowly towards me.

“I couldn’t sleep…… so I just stopped by. I hope I didn’t wake you?”

“No, I couldn’t sleep either. Please, have a seat.”

I found the lamp by the bed and lit it. The bright, amber light spread like waves as the flame flickered, driving away the darkness.

I placed the lamp on the hook in the middle of the bedpost and looked at Levidian, who was perched on the edge of the bed.

Unfortunately (?), contrary to my small expectations, her attire was no different from what she wore during the meeting. In fact, it’s even more disappointing that the buttons on her blouse are properly fastened.

Stop thinking useless thoughts, Arisein.

Levidian tucked her hair behind her ear slightly. A meaningless gesture, but the lamplight, imbued with magic, added an enchanting effect to the scene.

Ah, come to think of it, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Levidian’s beautiful appearance.

She tidied her hair slightly and spoke.

“Thinking about what lies ahead, I can’t seem to fall asleep.”

“Ah, I might feel the same way. I haven’t been able to sleep well. Perhaps I’ve gotten used to sleeping outdoors, so a soft bed feels uncomfortable.”

“Um, was it very difficult?”

“Excuse me? What was?”

“The…… Secret Inspector.”

She avoided eye contact with me, twirling her hair between her fingers. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

It must be difficult to say it directly, considering her personality.

“It wasn’t that difficult. The official duties, that is.”

“Well, then…… the personal matters?”

“Even though my body was comfortable, my mind was a little uneasy. Come to think of it, there are things I haven’t accomplished yet.”

“Unaccomplished things?”

She looked at me. I met her gaze and gave her a bright smile.

“I was determined to give you a good scolding when we met, but the situation turned out this way, so that became difficult as well. Haha!”

“I-I’m sorry……!”

Levidian looked away again and lowered her head. She looked like a child who had been severely scolded. It’s been a while since I’ve seen this side of her, and it’s seriously adorable. Hehe.

Still smiling, I said,

“No, you don’t have to be so sorry. I understand that there were unavoidable circumstances. If I were in the same situation, I would have done the same.”

Levidian breathed a sigh of relief.

Come to think of it, her behavior has become excessively bright lately. Almost reminiscent of Aila, wouldn’t you say?

She was always calm, and even when flustered, she tried not to show it, and there was a strong sense that she would thoroughly protect what she wanted to protect.

She was someone who lived up to her nickname, the Sword King.

But seeing her reaction a few days ago, or when she met Namia, she seems to have changed so much that it feels awkward.

If I had to say the reason, I already know even if she doesn’t say it.

“You seem to be quite anxious.”

“What? No, it’s not like that……”

“From what I see, Levidian’s attitude has changed noticeably. It might be even more serious if you’re not aware of it yourself. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. However…… even if you’re anxious, there are many people who will support you.”

“……”

She closed her mouth.

It seems like it’s always been that way. She was the type who didn’t readily express her anxieties. She just expressed them through other actions.

It was like that when she put me and Lea through harsh training in the past, and it’s still the same now.

No, maybe everyone is like that.

“Are you afraid of death?”

She didn’t answer.

I didn’t say anything else either.

Yes. Death is certainly frightening.

When I died. The screams, the regrets, the weight of the unresolved grudges are still vivid in my memory.

It was a sudden death, even though it was expected. I was deprived of even the time to prepare myself mentally and had to become a corpse on the battlefield.

If a sudden death is like that, what about someone who realizes that their predetermined death is steadily approaching?

Every day that passes, the shadow of the monster that will devour them takes an unavoidable step closer.

It’s like a swamp that you can’t escape from, no matter how much you struggle. The more you struggle, the more pathetically you sink, an endless black swamp.

No matter how strong she is, she can’t help but feel the anxiety that plagues her every day.

Knowing that anxiety, she tries to act bright to forget it. She tries to leave behind as many good memories of herself as possible for others.

It’s not a sight that can be looked upon with a smile.

“You will not die, Ibi.”

“Risel, I……”

“I will not let that happen. Your anxiety…… I understand. That’s why I……”

“You understand?”

She cut me off with a dry voice.

It was a voice that felt devoid of warmth, as if it would crumble and disappear.

Even that voice couldn’t express even half of the despair born from that terrible anxiety.

She silently unbuttoned her blouse with her fingers. A few small clicking sounds. And the sound of fabric sliding against skin.

Rustle……

The fabric fell away. She was turned away from me, hugging her chest with her arms.

I saw something I didn’t want to see again.

Black, sharp swirls starting from her right upper arm. They had already taken over half of her back.

“Every day, I see the approaching certainty of death…… with my own eyes. It’s bigger than yesterday. There are new patterns I haven’t seen before. It’s advancing closer and closer. I repeat that to myself, confirming my death every day.”

She turned her head and looked at me over her shoulder.

Or rather, she tried to. Her black eyes were unfocused, so I couldn’t tell what she was looking at.

“Can you understand? Knowing all that, do you know what I always tell myself? That I hope to have many conversations with you today as well. I hope my faith doesn’t lose to reality. Embracing a wish without certainty, kissing the approaching end every day. Risel, don’t say you understand. Your comfort like that is only more painful for me.”

“Ibi……”

Looking at the curse marks like the wings of a fallen angel, I realized that even if I understood her, it wasn’t everything.

Even if I understood her pain, it could never be a painkiller.

“That’s right. As you said, I’m anxious. The Shadow Stone is not something that will easily fall into our hands. Perhaps the memories of the remaining time will be my last. You said I wouldn’t die, right? I believe you. But that belief is shaken every day…… I don’t want to be left with insignificant memories when the end comes, and I don’t want to take insignificant memories with me either. I said I would believe……! I believe……!”

She bit her lip and turned away. Her hunched back looked so small. Like a faint candle flame that could go out at any moment.

“You must have heard from Aila, that I tried to die by her hand. It’s just a few pages of letter paper stained with ink, but she understood. That’s why I gave it my all. I really thought then that this was enough, this was all there was. Because even if I met you again, I would only be spending my dying days with you. No, if it were you, you would risk your life to find the Shadow Stone like you are now……!”

That’s right. That’s what would happen.

She knows me, and I know her.

A short time, if you consider it short, and a long time, if you consider it long.

Even without any special events, even without any surprising realizations, just like clothes getting soaked in the softly falling raindrops, like a drizzle seeping into clothes.

She and I came to know each other.

That’s why there are things we can’t show each other, and things we don’t want to show each other.

She probably didn’t want to show her weak side like this.

“A terrible temptation is always with me. There’s me, facing you with a resolute appearance, living the same way even after three months, even after half a year. On the other hand, there’s me, closing my eyes in contentment, saying I was happy, I was joyful, and breathing my last breath. I walk a tightrope between the two, trying to hold onto myself as I weaken…… but it’s hard. It’s so hard and difficult that I couldn’t bear it without comforting myself even a little!”

She hugged herself tightly. She must be heartbroken by this sight of herself.

When…… did her back look so fragile?

Her back, which was once warm and reliable, the back I could entrust my life to, is now cracked like a piece of glass about to shatter.

I moved carefully. I picked up the clothes she had dropped and gently placed them on her shoulders. I embraced her back, which looked as precarious as a sandcastle about to collapse.

What should I say?

What can I say?

Ah…… right.

At times like this, I should follow my heart.

“Do you remember when you first started teaching me? Back then, I was so weak it’s embarrassing to even talk about it.”

Compared to now, I was incredibly weak back then.

All I had was the knowledge of the future.

I didn’t have the power to change the present and greatly influence the future.

“I gradually became stronger. I came to understand, however vaguely, what it meant to be strong, and I came to know the extent of my own abilities. I grew and became stronger.”

Compared to myself before I died, I’m now as strong as steel.

Is it because I died and came back to life?

Can a person become stronger by experiencing death?

No.

Levidian taught me many things.

The responsibility required to wield power, the will not to be swayed by power, the driving force to firmly root myself in reality and reach towards the future.

Without her, without what I learned from her, I wouldn’t have been able to come this far.

So now…… it’s my turn to repay her.

“It’s okay to…… be a little weak. Because I’ve become stronger. I can fill in for you as much as you’ve weakened, Ibi. There’s nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be anxious about. The most important thing is……”

I tightened my arms around her.

“That nothing can take you away from me. Even death, this time, won’t be able to lay a finger on you. You and I…… are strong.”

Her hand slid over my arm. Her hand, which had been flowing down to my fingertips, found my hand and grasped it.

A warm hand held mine.

“Thank you.”

She whispered very softly, just once.

I am weak.

She is also weak.

However…… we are strong.

Those who are infinitely weak alone become strong from the moment they hold hands. They become each other’s support, shelter, and comfort.

Therefore, no matter what difficulties lie ahead, no matter what pain we face, I will not let go of this hand.

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